Things I learned while supporting a large software company, and making a website.
Programming is NOT as easy as everyone thinks it is. You cannot fix anything worth fixing in five minutes.
I had to deal with MANY customers who said this exact line to me, every day. "Oh, well a programmer could have fixed that in five minutes. I should be allowed to speak to the programmers."
If you want to be able to speak to the programmer, you can use some sort of open source alternative. There is none right now, and it looks like you are the one who needs this, so I recommend learning how to code, and doing it yourself.
We here at SoftwareX use the cathedral method of programming, and as such, we are the priests, and will tell you what software god has given us. If you want to try out the bazaar method of programming, go on down to your local computer club, and get everyone drunk. Then you can complain to them about your software not working like you expected.
I dunno, I had heard that five minute quote today, and had to rant about it.